This is The End...of Everthing I Used to Be...

Secret Number Eight: I love to sing, but hate my singing voice.

So, Christmas has come and gone. And I'm oh so depressed because of it. Damn Christmas spirit made me waste sooooo much money on people. I saved all of my receipts so that I can total up how much money I really did spend. I'm gonna guess $200. Pray to God I'm wrong.

Speaking of God, my mom randomly spilled to me while driving my non-independently-driving self to work that she's worried about my older sister; she's scared that she doesn't believe in God. I didn't really know what to say, simply cause the truth is pretty painful. The truth? My sister believed in God Once-Upon-A-Time, but then life happened. I was also an avid church-goer and good-doer. But, just like my sister, but in a different aspect, Life slapped me in the face. I was introduced to betrayal, abuse, self-hate, and abandonment. After all of that, depression took over again and there was no God. There was no Him. There was just me, alone, crying myself to sleep and trying not to fade away. I've battled with memories since then, and quite frankly, haven't really attempted to patch up my relationship with God. I still believe in Him, and still pray to Him for guidance and relief...but I'm not sure if my relationship will ever be the same. I've sinned, and continue to disappoint him. Why bother going back when I know I'll just continue doing the things I'm not supposed to? I don't know...religion is so controversial. My boyfriend attends weekly teen-church-group things, but for some reason that I'm not completely sure about, I turn down invitations. Maybe it's cause of all the clique-loving teenagers, maybe not. I don't know.

Anywho, winter break is pretty disappointing. Work has been the highlight, if you can even call it one. At least I'm getting some money, that I will immediately return to my savings account. Gah, maybe I should go figure out how much exactly that I owe myself...

"Life is waiting for you..it's all messed up, but we'll survive." Life, by Our Lady Peace

I hope that's you..I hope that's me...

Secret Number Seven: Sometimes (most of the time) I'm only pretending I'm mad so you'll rush over and kiss me to make me happy. :)

Today was the first day...the first day to start two weeks of blissful nothingness. Winter Break. Ah, well, actually I'll be working the majority of this time, but it must be done. See, I'm a huge planner-freak. I love to make lists and guesstimate times and prices of stuff. When I started working, I made a year-long plan on a huge piece of notebook paper, scoping out my entire year of work so that I can buy my jeep next year. January, of next year. However, I failed to consider major holidays and special occasions. Like Christmas. So now, I'm behind. And I must pay the price: hard-core working.

Luckily, a woman I work with needs a baby-sitter. So there's extra cash AND someone else wants me to babysit during the week when I get my license. So there's another possible input of money. I'm crossing my fingers on this school-week job, cause it'd be such a big help what with insurance and all that jazz. But, I've been playing phone-tag with this family. PRAY that I'll get a hold of them or the other way around.

Gah. OH! Finally got our new manager this week, so today was a VERY happy day at work. Especially since I only had to work three hours. yay me:)

So, I took this picture when I first got my 35mm. I decided to walk around the neighborhood with my three cameras(35mm, digital, polaroid) and try to find something worth photographing. And this is one of the things I found in someone's front yard. This is one of my top faves.
Still nothing on the pictures that were ruined-then-saved.

I'm sleepy and tired of waiting for the boyfriend to call me and say good night, so I'm just gonna go crash...or maybe read:)

Lo OUT.

Please Don't Let My Dreams Run Dry...

Secret Number Six: I bite my lip constantly when I'm working hard on something or concentrating.

So, yes die-hard fans, I know I haven't posted a blog in forever and a day. I'm so sorry.

So, to catch you up, I've been running around crazy what with Christmas shopping, ETI stuff, a depressed boyfriend, and my idiot boss who is making me contemplate homicide. So FIRST, Christmas. Oh my Baby-Jesus! Now that I have a job and I actually have to buy presents, I'm realizing how insane it is! Trying to find the perfect gift and such. Gah. It's pretty friggen exhausting. Not to mention I still owe my savings 58 dollars...and I'm still not done shopping. 'Tis the season, eh?
Secondly, Christmas is also insane at my elementary school, and I have to add 21 little first graders onto my already mile-long list! Screw the holiday spirit, they all get friggen pencils! Nah, I'm just kidding. They're too cute. OH! PLUS, to top it all off, my ETI teacher assigned ANOTHER ETI student for my teacher at the elementary school! So now I have to compete for my kids' affection! How stupid is that? Share the love with teachers who don't have an ETI student, for God's sake! Ugh. At least I'm winning the competition so far :)
Thirdly, the boyfriend. He's going through so much crap right now with family and such, and I'm working so hard to keep him happy. Not to mention the fact that he's owed his friend 90 bucks for like six months and can't pay him back. So, naturally, I said I'd take care of it. I don't want to, since I'm already behind as it is on my savings plan for the JEEP, but whatever. Call me Jesus.
And last, and definitely least, my boss. When I say boss, I mean store owner. My cool, caring boss quit, leaving me with my jackass head-guy-dude who has no heart. The way he treats his staff and the store is so ludicrous. This man...ugh. Let's just say, I'm in the biggest hurry to quit.

Anywhoo..I got the chance to take some photos of my sister and her beau, my brother and his beau, and my sister's friend and HER beau. :) We went downtown for an urban feel. It was freaking freezing, especially since I laid on the cold wet ground multiple times to get the perfect picture. However, due to the rainy and super cloudy weather, my photos were pretty much ruined. The way the light works with clouds can either help or harm your photos, and the clouds that day definitely did the latter. Luckily, my sister is the wiz at different picture-editing programs and is in the process of saving my less-than-perfect pictures. I haven't received the pictures yet, but when I do I shall post. :) For now, I'll keep posting old pics.
This one is of a rose the boyfriend gave me for my 16th birthday. I let the flower sit in the sunshine on my window sill to dry it out, and it ended up giving it a pretty, gold edge. So, I took a picture. It was kind of complicated focusing my camera, but I'd just place it to my eye, put it down and focus, and do it again until I got it right:)

Enough talking, I'll shut up.
"And you can see that I can't stop shaking..." -Dancing by Elisa

Tuxedo Waitors, Black Ties...

Secret Number Five: The only time I sleep well is when your chest is my pillow and your heartbeat my lullaby.

So, today was my first day back at school since the Thanksgiving Break. Ugh. Math is hell, and should burn. Regulars History was just peachy though; we continued watching the Patriot, which we have now for about five days. Whoo! I'm learning so much! I could probably sleep through the class and still kick everyone's ass grade-wise. It's like Eighth-grade all over again, minus my old wrinkly teacher who probably witnessed every single war known to man. She has been happily traded in for a coach full of non-stop sports analogies. Yay, what a win.

Friday is the boyfriend and my 1.9 years, I'm so excited. :) I don't know why he's stuck around for so long; I mean, I know I'm bossy, stubborn, and a grammar-freak. I know I get bitchy, especially in the mornings. But he finds it cute, funny even. I don't get it! Either he is slightly OFF in the mental area, or just...weird. I don't know. But I love him for it. :) Speaking of...here he is. :) Aint he cute? This was taken two summers ago. He didn't want me taking pictures of him, but apparently my jumping around with my camera made him warm up to it. :)



Of course, he tries to take pictures of ME, and fails miserably cause he has basically no idea about focusing. :) But I'm okay with it, as long as A) he doesn't break my baby and
B) he doesn't waste film on lame pictures.
(See? BOSSY!!!)
I actually slightly like this picture. It makes me see myself as he does...I actually think I look beautiful in this picture. Only cause he makes me feel beautiful.





"Just let me dust off the seat...mmm..put your pretty little arms around me-" Big Green Tractor by Jason Aldean

What a Rush..

Secret Number Four: I love the smell of your skin, that's why I always burrow my head in your neck when I have to leave.

So...Thanksgiving has come and gone. I stuffed my three stomachs with turkey and mashed potatoes, and immediately ate dessert afterward. Don't ask me why, I don't know. I should have waited an hour before eating dessert, but for some reason I snagged that piece of pumpkin pie. Ugh. Such pain. Apparently my siblings and I cling to each other at family gatherings and avoid talking to everyone else. I didn't think that was true, but whatever. Maybe it's partly because there's nothing to talk about with the older folks. They'll ask how school is, work, boyfriend, plans for college, and then make comments on how big I am. That conversation will last what? Five minutes? Ah, how close we are now after speaking! Ugh.

This is a picture I took last summer of one of my very close friends. I tried to make her model, but instead chose to keep her laughing, taking pictures the whole time. I love these kind of candid photos; stiff, posed ones annoy me. I entered this one in a photography contest and lost. I wasn't surprised. I know I'm not some great photographer. I'll just keep dreaming...
This is completely un-messed with; yes she's really that tan in the summer. I envy her skin.





I don't look forward to school in the morning; I enjoyed my days off way too much. How much longer till Winter Break??

"You better take it from me, that boy is like a disease...he's like a curse, he's like a drug, you get addicted to his love--" Cowboy Casanova by Carrie Underwood

We'll make it easier together...

Secret Number Three: I feel like I have to constantly match my older sister's accomplishments in order to be considered valuable or smart.

So, I've been writing a novel for about two years now and am now concentrating on just editing it...even though I haven't even finished the book yet. I always find myself stuck when I attempt at ending the book. I can't decide how I want it to end! There's so many different things that could happen and I can't pick either the happy ending or sad. It's so complicated! What's funny is that since I'm just concentrating on editing, I've found myself questioning myself, asking questions like "what the hell was I thinking when I wrote this sentence?!" "Was I on dope while writing this? This sentence structure doesn't even make sense!" And then I remind myself that the first six or so chapters were written when I was fifteen. When I wasn't aware of syntax and diction. Now I know better and am (hopefully) making my book better.

My sister and her boyfriend are over helping my mom make deviled eggs(bleh). I love when my sister visits. I miss her a lot. She's always understood me and always has the right thing to say when I'm upset. She's so beautiful and never realizes it; it makes her even more beautiful in my opinion. This one of tons of pictures I took of her and her beau last year...these photos are pretty much my most favorite. They were my first ones taken of people, and I had a blast walking around this huge park for hours snapping pictures of their adorable cuteness. This one I got up on a folding chair, constantly snapping pictures. Mostly all I said that day was "look at me, now look at each other. Kiss. Come on, KISS!" At first it was awkward when they'd basically make out, but then I stopped seeing them as my sister and her boyfriend, but rather two people in love that I HAD to capture in a photo. :)

Okay, well I guess I'm going to go back to editing..

"I'm so sick, infected with where I live, let me live without this empty bliss, selfishness. I'm so sick" -Sick by Flyleaf

Turn the Ashes into Flames

Secret Number Two: I stash chocolate in my room to snack on when no one's around.

So today was an early release day; my elementary kids were jealous that I got to leave school earlier than they could. I was only a LITTLE smug about it. :) However, I won't get to do anything exciting until four when my best friend Emily comes to take me with her to the mall. I'm gonna let her pick out her birthday present. :) Unfortunately, I can only afford something small.

Even though I have a job, I am very limited to what I can spend money on since I save the mass majority of every check. It's hard to keep saving because I'm only a fifth of the way to my goal, and now that I'm working less hours (damn school), I get smaller checks and less money is saved. It's a vicious cycle.

My dog, Oreo is way too cute for her own good. I'm going to include a picture of her and my other doggie, Mallory. I took it a while ago with my 35 mm (my baby); they were being so cute, so I took advantage of the 'Kodak Moment'. This is probably one of my top favorites so far, cause Mallory(the white one) is just sunbathing, minding her own business, and Oreo walks over, being the nosy 'Alpha Female' she is and sniffs at her. Luckily I was lying on the floor already taking pictures of Mallory and was able to catch it. :)

So, Thanksgiving, am I excited? Eh, kinda. I'm mostly just excited about the food. Get-togethers with my mom's family is always awkward. We all know how dysfunctional the other one is, yet no one speaks of the threads unseamming from certain branches of the tree. Like my aunt for example. She's been battling breast cancer and brain tumors, fought off death and made doubtful doctors bite their tongues, and struts her long blonde wig with whatever pride she has left and everyone acts like she's perfectly healthy. I find it disturbing that no one ever discusses the fact that she insists on smoking STILL, when death is standing right on the welcome mat, waiting to scrape his feet and walk on in. I just don't understand it at all.

"his fists are big, but my gun's bigger..he'll find out when I pull the trigger!" - Gunpowder and Lead, Miranda Lambert

Being the Weird, New Kid is inevitable...

even in on a blogging website.

I've never been very good at keeping up with a blog, but if my best friend, Emily, can do it...heck, so can I! :) Anyways, I guess I'll just give a brief prologue on myself and my life...I'm Lauren. I'm a Harry Potter freak, book nerd, and photography junkie. I take in chocolate like water: constantly. I'm still in the midst of writing a book...more like editing...but yeah. That's the basis of it all, I don't want to bore whoever has the time to read this, most likely no one. But yeah, my friend Emily inspired me to start blogging, and I think I'm gonna try the 100 secrets thing also. (sorry I'm a thief, Emily!)

Secret Number One: I look in the mirror way too often and then always tell myself that it makes me look vain, which I'm not.

I plan on also using this blog to display my photography as I (hopefully) get more experienced. I have photos of people I know, and I will choose to keep them anonymous, for security reasons.

I was told that Junior year was the toughest year in High School, but I didn't think it'd be THIS tough. I'm so stressed out all the time; I think it's making me less attractive to my boyfriend of 1.8 years. (I'm sure he'd disagree, but he's just a guy like that.) Not only am I dealing with the onslaught of AP courses and extra-curricular bull that will look appealing on my manuscripts, but also work for minimum-wage that'll make me suffer with my hammy-down Saturn for a full year until I can afford a gorgeous Jeep in cash.

"You can go heavy on me and I will not let you down, no, no.."
Heavy- Holly Brooks