I Look So Much Cooler Online

Secret Number Thirty Four: I bite the tips off of my chocolate kisses before eating the rest.

Wow, it's been awhile. So much has been going on, and I haven't had time to catch my breath. Here's a brief synopsis of what's happened in the past couple of months....

I've accepted myself, and him. I've let him go, and we're now friends. He has a girlfriend, who I personally think isn't attractive enough for him, and I have a boyfriend. He's been my best guy friend since freshman year, and I'm happy with him. :)

The sister is married and happy, and I'm elated for her.

School is insane, and college is terrifying me as I try to figure out applications.

I don't feel like for-real blogging today, I've got a big assignment due tomorrow for my teaching class. Till next time....

It Was the Sound of You and I

Secret Number Thirty-Three: I love sunflowers during the summer time.

So, I took today off of work, cause I still feel crappy. Luckily, the throat isn't bothering me as much, but my jaw is still significantly sore. I attempted to eat some toast with my eggs this morning. Let me just say that I'm thankful no one was there to witness this pathetic failure. I'm pretty sure I looked like I've never used teeth before. Betsey the cow would be proud.

I just finished cleaning the bathroom so the mother would be happy. I started out being diligent, but then stopped caring and kind of blew off trying. Sorry, Mommy.

The wonderful sister wants me to come over for a couple hours and keep her company, which I shall get ready to do now. She's getting married in something like twenty days. That's so freaky. She's the first to get married out of us kids; my oldest brother is the first to have a kid. I'm starting to feel old and reminiscent.

Ah, the good old days when my older brother Jake would beat up on me, then Amorae would beat up on him, and Josh on her. Those were such lovely times.

It's kind of scary that my sister is getting married. I mean, it probably won't be too much different, because I've hung out with her and her fiance for the whole two years they've been together, helped Jonny plan the proposal, and have spent the night at their place too many times. But, there's still the fact that my sister...my best friend...is getting married. We're not going to have the same last name anymore. She's going to move into a house. She's going to have kids. My sister is growing up.
I think I'm going to cry.

I'm so happy for her, it's insane. But I'm also secretly terrified. She's the first one out of the four of us to be doing this; she's setting the bar. We'll be going to her for marriage advice, kid advice, whatever. It's just so odd.

Well, I'm off to get cute-ish.


"If I could change anything, I'd change everything but you...please promise me you won't change a thing..."

I've Been Dreaming of You From the Other Side,

Secret Number Thirty-Two: I like being taken care of.

Well, I haven't been able to blog, because I've been on bed rest since Thursday. That morning, I took part in what my high school calls "Flight School", in which we leaders guide the new incoming freshmen around the school, give advice, and act crazy. Well, at least, that's what I did. I took the chance of that morning to show these scared, timid children that life is meant to be lived crazily and without holding back. So, yeah, I belted the Alma Mater in an opera voice around the entire classroom, danced like a crazy white chick, and screamed down the quiet halls. I've always been an extrovert, but since all this new single-tood and just living life, I've learned to let go of insecurities and just be myself.

Which, I guess, is a crazy chick who has way too much school spirit. My group loved me, I just knew it. It made me feel so awesome when one of the boys came up to me and told me he admired my personality and my school spirit. I was like, Heck. Yes. :)

So, after dancing in the middle of the gym with my fellow seniors, I ran out the doors to my house. I took my "Chill Out Pill" that my surgeon gave me to take 45 minutes before my wisdom teeth surgery, and then chilled in the car on the way to the surgery. I remember sitting in the car and texting my ex-boyfriend exactly what I was thinking and feeling at that moment. Which probably wasn't what he wanted to hear. Oh, well. I was drugged. I remember freaking out cause the cars around us were moving too fast for my eyes to focus on them. I don't remember getting to the place, but I do remember the dude sticking the needle in my arm. I didn't appreciate that. Then he stuck in the sleepy-juice, and asked me about my job. Then, black.

So, I'm sad to hear that I wasn't as crazy funny as my oldest brother. However, my reasoning is that I'm already NATURALLY hilarious, so I don't need enhancing drugs to make me more comical. I think the pain medicine really just made me more blunt and want to dance more frequently.

I've had a lot of visitors, which has made me feel special and kind of queenly. However, once they all leave, I feel lonely again. I'm still trying to heal, and it's taking too long. My jaw is still swollen and in pain, and now I fear that I'm catching a cold or something. I'll probably call in to work tomorrow and let myself get an extra day of relief; no way I can scream at kids with these swollen cheeks.

Off to sleep, eat, and sleep. Thanks for listening, my two avid followers.

"Put your hands on my heart..."

Watching the Light Dim...

Secret Number Thirty-One: I don't like people touching my face.

So, house-sitting was overall pretty successful, except for the fact that my grandparents' dog may hate me. Saturday morning, I groggily rolled out of the bed and let Gizmo out front to do her thing. Normally, she'll just run to the grass, do her business, and hobble back inside no problem. I expected this as I stood at the door in my normal sleeping attire of a sports bra and boy shorts. However, Gizmo decided to switch it up. I watched her wobble closer to the steps, but didn't do anything because I expected her to just stop and you know...whatever. But no. Gizmo kept walking down the little hill, down the sidewalk, and over next door. She kept glancing at the street like she was actually considering wobbling across to try out the other neighbor's grass! Not wanting to have a dead dog hanging over my head, I ran outside, sprinted down the sidewalk, scooped her up, and dashed for the front door...all in my skivvies. I was so embarrassed, and she looked pretty smug about it.

Gizmo didn't go out front again.

Frank is gone, a friend adopted him today. I was quite sad to pack his food into her car and buckle him up...his leaves actually touched the belt this time. They grow up so fast...

So, I just got a wonderful call.

I got this call from a restricted number and didn't answer until they called again and it was a riceboxx employee telling me that they're calling random people to offer this free thing if they come to the new store and I was like," where is it?" and he didn't know. So he's looking for the paper, yelling at someone else in vietnamese and kept saying "where's the f-ing paper!?" but he couldn't find it and told me sorry we could do this another time, and told me he loved me.

I told him I loved him too.

"You haven't loved since January..."

Just Give Me One More Song...

Secret Number Thirty: I love daisies.

So, here I am on vacation at my grandparents' house this weekend. Currently, I'm lounging on the couch watching the movie Up with their old shihtzu, Gizmo. The whole empty house thing isn't freaking me out just yet...no promises about when I try to go to sleep.

So, great great news. Yesterday at work, I finally finished my Inner Fish book. I pushed myself through the Darwinistic bullshit...and landed on the other side. I was so happy. I immediately jumped up and did my Happy Dance in the Daycare's hallway, extremely pleased with myself. After work, I floated home, still on my summer-assignment high. Then, Mom told me I had a message from my school counselor. I listened, and began yelling at the recorded voice. I yelled extremities and sobbed at my desk; she called to tell me that because of my schedule, I could not take AP Biology next year. So, I wasted all that effort and frustration on nothing. Frank was useless now, and I felt bad for admitting to it.

Because of my counselor, Frank will die.

I've started to accept this, and already sold the stupid book to a friend who is actually taking the class. Life goes on, yadda yadda.
Tomorrow is my sister's wedding shower, and I'm pretty darn excited. :)

"I do not like the cone of shame..." -dog from Up

I Keep Them; They're Mine...

Secret Number Twenty-Nine: I hate Shakespeare.

Today was a pretty off day. I wasn't really sad for a specific reason; I was just SAD. I hate when that happens, cause if I know what's making me sad, I can work out a way to accept it or just ignore it. But I did have fun with my older girls there; we kept making goofy faces at each other and just laughing about nothing. I'm gonna be pretty heartbroken next week when I'm forced to work with the nasty four year-olds.

Okay, Shakespeare is impossible to pick out specific literary elements. For part of my English Summer Assignment, I have to pick out 50. I'm already wanting to cut my wrists and bleed on the books pages...and I've only put down three.

School is approaching way too fast, and my schedule is fattening. I don't like this feeling of stress returning...maybe I should run more.

Well, off to let out some steam in my book.

"The last time we talked, Mr. Smith, you reduced me to tears. I can assure you that won't happen again..." Grace Kelly; Mika.

If What They Say is True; You're a Boy and I'm a Girl...

Secret Number Twenty-Eight: I close my eyes when I'm thrown in the dark.

So, pretty lazy day. The girls were gone by noon for work (haha, suckers) and I was left to piddling around my house on the hunt for something to do. I finished my first scholarship essay, cleaned up my room, watched some Shark Week shows, and then laid out in the backyard to tan with my buddy, Frank, who looks much more green now that I've placed him indoors. What a pansy. Ha, get it? Pansies are flowers...ah, never mind. My two followers will laugh.

So, now it is 4:30, and I'm stuck with nothing to do. Again. I take a lot after my mother, and just like her, I can't just sit around. I need a chore to do; something to go find. Bah, damn the hot 106 Texas degree weather! My step grandparents are coming over, and I don't particularly feel like sitting around listening to them shoot the breeze, but I can't hide in my room on the computer like "all them damn teenagers these days".

I spent too much money this weekend. Way, way too much. My whole check, actually, and I feel so guilty. I have no money to show for this entire summer. I need to cut my shopaholic tendencies and chill out. Make other people pay for shit :)

Okay, well...I guess I shall go hunt for something else to do.

"I better find yo lovin', I better find your heart..."

Brace Yourself!!

Secret Number Twenty-Seven: I think my toes look like french fries.

I'm waiting for the best friends to get over, so I'm cleaning like the nerd that I am. I blame my mother for this need-to-clean that's embedded in my skin; she's the hugest clean freak I know.

Well, today was errands day. I sweated it out in the heat, buying stuff for the wedding shower next Saturday. I felt slightly bad, because I ended up taking a whole shelf of mason jars at Hobby Lobby. I instantly regretted grabbing a basket instead of a cart, because I then had to waddle around the store and make funny, pained faces down every aisle. I'm pretty excited to get started on the decorations, but I still have more to buy.

I ended up relocation Frank again into the house to chill on a plastic McDonald's plate by our living room window, because I couldn't take the stress anymore. I think he likes it.

The World is Ours, Ours for the Moment...

Secret Number Twenty-Six: I love Starbucks' Green Tea Latte with soy milk, but concerned with what it may be doing...should it be this green?

I don't know if it's my paranoia, or horrible lack of luck, but I think Frank is getting worse. I don't know where to put him, since my parents didn't believe in putting a cover over our terribly small patio. Probably because it's so small and no one goes out there but my pee-filled dogs, but still. Frank has no safe place to perch. I'm starting to see through some parts of his little, hardly-got-a-chance-to-grow leaves...and a new Frank along the way, unless I can discover a new place.

So, my sister's wedding is coming fast, and her wedding shower is in just a week. I'm donating an entire paycheck to buy decorations and wedding gifts tomorrow. Sadly, I have the same amount in my savings as before the summer; I've been working full-time. Ah, well. It happens. Gotta learn how to not obsessively spend.

Thank God it's Friday, as of thirty-nine minutes...forty minutes ago.

"I swear I'll make it right, just give me one more night; it sucks we all go home, if not we sing along..."

You've Got Designer Shades to Hide Your Face..

Secret Number Twenty-Five: I like my hair better when it's messy.

So, I hurt Frank. :( I checked on him yesterday morning before work, and got worried because the sun was already directly on him at ten in the morning. Being naive, I shrugged it off, thinking the sun would move soon.
I was wrong.
I came home from work at six, and little Frank had these painful looking spots on his little leaves. I wanted to cry, and poured more water into his pot to make up for it. I think he's a little angry with me. I did move him though to avoid more sunburning. He now chills under our grill. Maybe I'll sing to him later...I heard that singing helps plants grow.

Life keeps slapping me on the face, and I'm thankful to God for it. I keep realizing more things I need to work on, and it's exciting and scary all at once. But, I'm gonna keep going. Just keep running, and keep my eyes looking up.

I'm watching Ellen right now, because I got today off for a college convention that I didn't even end up going to, and I'm in total bliss. I'm obsessed with Ellen DeGeneres. Obsessed. I've had daydreams about hanging out with her, and being her BFF (Damn you, Paris Hilton), and being on her show. Every time she comes on her show and says something about her being in a magazine, I go and buy it. She's awesome.

Well, I'm going to go sneak into my awesome sister's apartment pool (with permission).

"I'm fallin, I'm fallin, I'm fallin for you..oh darling it's finally true."

I need you now more than I needed you then...

Secret Number Twenty-Four: I dream about you every night, and wake up sad.

So, it's been..one month and one week, since the boyfriend and I broke up. Don't really want to talk about it, but I'm trying to leave him alone and grow in myself.
I've gained a lot of peace with my life, and my past, and myself. Now I'm trying to regain a strong relationship with God. It surprises even myself, because I always thought I'd end up atheist...but a part of me wants to try again. And with Cody gone, this is my chance. My chance to grow into myself, and rediscover God. If he comes back eventually, great. I'll be a better person, and we'll be happier. If not...well...okay. I really don't want to think about that right now.

So, for AP Bio, we have to grow a plant. We had the choice between a begonia and a Coleus, which is an ugly, boring, leafy plant. Following the girl in me, I chose the begonia. So, today I went to lunch with a youth leader who is awesome and I'm gonna meet with her every week, and then went to Lowe's. I walked in all cool in my Pink cop glasses, and realized I'd never find the friggin thing by myself. So, I grabbed this young, smiley guy, and followed him around as he picked me out a pretty plant, food, and a pot. Proud of myself, I strolled out to my car with all my trinkets and named the plant Frank. I've never grown a plant before, and my mother has a black thumb...she kills everything she tries to grow...so naturally I'm a little scared that when I walk into Bio, I'll be holding a pot with a sad, desolate and black little shrub. So, as I tucked Frank into the passenger seat and fasten the seat belt around his small little pot, I promised to try not to let him die.

I'm not sure if we're supposed to log about our plants, but Frank is my new friend, so I'll include him into my blogs for now on...that no one reads. Oh well, it helps to vent. :)

So, off I go into my new life with a manly little flower at my side. Look out, world.

"she keeps a picture of me...in her apartment in the city. Somethings in this world man just don't make sense. "

Let's just let the world walk by...

Secret Number Twenty Two: I feel inadequate when compared to my older sister.

I hate it when my parents ask for help with something, typically something techy like the computer, and when I don't know, they sound all annoyed and say, "Well we'll just ask your sister. She knows this stuff." Thanks, guys, for shoving that knife deeper into my self esteem! I mean, God, don't they hear themselves when they talk? People should have seminars for parents on stupid shit you SHOULDN'T say to your kids.
1) When I was your age, I had to blah blah blah. -Yeah. We don't care what you HAD to do, we just care about how you're making us vacuum the stupid living room for the second time this week.
2) If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you too?- No, we're not suicidal(the most of us). However, if there were ropes involved, Hell Yes!
3) Oh, well, let me ask insert older sibling's name here, I bet they'll know it.- Okay, go ahead. Also, while you're at it, ask them if they'll also let you live with them, cause now I'm just gonna chuck you into a retirement home, bitch.

Yeah. So now, since I'm not as brilliant or studious as my sister, I'm just inadequate. I should probably be used to it, but I'm not. I'm sick of this shadow I'm having to live in.

On other news, my Physics AP Test is tomorrow, and I've hardly studied. I've already accepted my failure.

Night, night.

Speak

Secret Number Eighteen: Sometimes I start to think that my life is nice and start smiling and waking up hopeful...and then Life slaps me on the face and says, "You idiot, your life is crap so quit humming Show Tunes." Drat.

So, my computer had a massive heart attack and died last week while my sister was trying to make it work faster. Poor old geezer, didn't have a chance. So, I've been walking aimlessly around without the joy of listening to my Itunes or adding onto my book. I can't look at my pictures...which means my blogs will be absent of photography for an unknown period of time. I'm stuck reading and doing homework, or driving around wasting money on crap I don't need.

Speaking of books, I bought Speak. I started it in First period, and finished it in Fifth while we watched an insanely boring video in English. I realized within the first two pages that I knew this story, and when I thought about it, I realized that I saw a TV movie based on it one night while hiding in the dark at my father's house. It was on the Oxygen channel. "Bella" was in it; she did pretty well since she's already very odd. Anyways, the book put me into an even worse funk than I was already in. This was my thought process all day:
Sleep. Food. Pain. I hate my eyebrows. She's too pretty. Why didn't I put on make-up today. Cafeteria food should be illegal. Teenagers are annoying. Physics is cruel. Hate. Hate. Hate her. Pain. Memories. Regret. Pity. Tired.

I'm supposed to be driving to the middle school nearby for my Mentor-Mentee group thing, but my little girl is sick, so I'm skipping. Why act like my life is great and I don't care about what people in high-school think of me and I'm comfortable with who I am when I'm so so so not?

I might start working on a new novel, since I can't get to Sunshine right now. Ugh.

"I want your ugly, I want your disease. I want your everything as long as it's free." - Bad Romance, Lady Gag A

Generate the False Alarms, the Verdict is Conterfeit..

Secret Number Fifteen: I wish I had more of a country accent.

School: a chubby kid with a magnifying glass, giggling as I squirm in pain.
Life: full of selfishness, hate, disappointment, and fat.


These are some of the pictures my wonderfully bright sister edited for me. This is my eldest brother and his girlfriend/future fiancé :)
"Baby I've been waiting for this long hard day to be over, So I can rest my head right here on your shoulder" I Wanna Make You Close Your Eyes, Dierks Bentley

This is The End...of Everthing I Used to Be...

Secret Number Eight: I love to sing, but hate my singing voice.

So, Christmas has come and gone. And I'm oh so depressed because of it. Damn Christmas spirit made me waste sooooo much money on people. I saved all of my receipts so that I can total up how much money I really did spend. I'm gonna guess $200. Pray to God I'm wrong.

Speaking of God, my mom randomly spilled to me while driving my non-independently-driving self to work that she's worried about my older sister; she's scared that she doesn't believe in God. I didn't really know what to say, simply cause the truth is pretty painful. The truth? My sister believed in God Once-Upon-A-Time, but then life happened. I was also an avid church-goer and good-doer. But, just like my sister, but in a different aspect, Life slapped me in the face. I was introduced to betrayal, abuse, self-hate, and abandonment. After all of that, depression took over again and there was no God. There was no Him. There was just me, alone, crying myself to sleep and trying not to fade away. I've battled with memories since then, and quite frankly, haven't really attempted to patch up my relationship with God. I still believe in Him, and still pray to Him for guidance and relief...but I'm not sure if my relationship will ever be the same. I've sinned, and continue to disappoint him. Why bother going back when I know I'll just continue doing the things I'm not supposed to? I don't know...religion is so controversial. My boyfriend attends weekly teen-church-group things, but for some reason that I'm not completely sure about, I turn down invitations. Maybe it's cause of all the clique-loving teenagers, maybe not. I don't know.

Anywho, winter break is pretty disappointing. Work has been the highlight, if you can even call it one. At least I'm getting some money, that I will immediately return to my savings account. Gah, maybe I should go figure out how much exactly that I owe myself...

"Life is waiting for you..it's all messed up, but we'll survive." Life, by Our Lady Peace

Tuxedo Waitors, Black Ties...

Secret Number Five: The only time I sleep well is when your chest is my pillow and your heartbeat my lullaby.

So, today was my first day back at school since the Thanksgiving Break. Ugh. Math is hell, and should burn. Regulars History was just peachy though; we continued watching the Patriot, which we have now for about five days. Whoo! I'm learning so much! I could probably sleep through the class and still kick everyone's ass grade-wise. It's like Eighth-grade all over again, minus my old wrinkly teacher who probably witnessed every single war known to man. She has been happily traded in for a coach full of non-stop sports analogies. Yay, what a win.

Friday is the boyfriend and my 1.9 years, I'm so excited. :) I don't know why he's stuck around for so long; I mean, I know I'm bossy, stubborn, and a grammar-freak. I know I get bitchy, especially in the mornings. But he finds it cute, funny even. I don't get it! Either he is slightly OFF in the mental area, or just...weird. I don't know. But I love him for it. :) Speaking of...here he is. :) Aint he cute? This was taken two summers ago. He didn't want me taking pictures of him, but apparently my jumping around with my camera made him warm up to it. :)



Of course, he tries to take pictures of ME, and fails miserably cause he has basically no idea about focusing. :) But I'm okay with it, as long as A) he doesn't break my baby and
B) he doesn't waste film on lame pictures.
(See? BOSSY!!!)
I actually slightly like this picture. It makes me see myself as he does...I actually think I look beautiful in this picture. Only cause he makes me feel beautiful.





"Just let me dust off the seat...mmm..put your pretty little arms around me-" Big Green Tractor by Jason Aldean