So, Christmas has come and gone. And I'm oh so depressed because of it. Damn Christmas spirit made me waste sooooo much money on people. I saved all of my receipts so that I can total up how much money I really did spend. I'm gonna guess $200. Pray to God I'm wrong.
Speaking of God, my mom randomly spilled to me while driving my non-independently-driving self to work that she's worried about my older sister; she's scared that she doesn't believe in God. I didn't really know what to say, simply cause the truth is pretty painful. The truth?
My sister believed in God Once-Upon-A-Time, but then life happened. I was also an avid church-goer and good-doer. But, just like my sister, but in a different aspect, Life slapped me in the face. I was introduced to betrayal, abuse, self-hate, and abandonment. After all of that, depression took over again and there was no God. There was no Him. There was just me, alone, crying myself to sleep and trying not to fade away. I've battled with memories since then, and quite frankly, haven't really attempted to patch up my relationship with God. I still believe in Him, and still pray to Him for guidance and relief...but I'm not sure if my relationship will ever be the same. I've sinned, and continue to disappoint him. Why bother going back when I know I'll just continue doing the things I'm not supposed to? I don't know...religion is so controversial. My boyfriend attends weekly teen-church-group things, but for some reason that I'm not completely sure about, I turn down invitations. Maybe it's cause of all the clique-loving teenagers, maybe not. I don't know.Anywho, winter break is pretty disappointing. Work has been the highlight, if you can even call it one. At least I'm getting some money, that I will immediately return to my savings account. Gah, maybe I should go figure out how much exactly that I owe myself...
"Life is waiting for you..it's all messed up, but we'll survive." Life, by Our Lady Peace
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ReplyDeleteBy the way, your post really made me think. I'm an avid Christian, and mostly-frequent church goer. I don't know what you, specifically have gone thorugh, but sometimes it helps to remember that God doesn't care what other people your age think of you or if you sit by yourself everyday at school. I'm a bit of a shy person, an have sat by myself on several occasions this year. I just try to remind myself that once I'm out of high school I'll probably never see these people again, so why should I care what that thinks. Doesn't mean I don't get lonely or upset, but it (sometimes) helps. I hope next semester is a good one for you!
Savi:)
Thanks Sav, but I'm not worried about other students at school, I just meant at Christian activities, like Bible Class or whatever.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the thoughtfulness, though :)